I have. Always have.
People might say that I don’t have any problems. Physically I’m always happy and cool. I can laugh with everybody. I can always hear other’s problems. I can play a long with my adik beradik.
But, people don’t know what happened inside me. When I’m smiling, my heart crying. When I’m laughing, my heart breaking. I admit that I’m not that type of person that can easily tell others about my probs. It’s not because of EGO. But it’s my style. I don’t like to burden others with my problems.
In this last semester, I really confuse. Confuse to choose my future. Whether to take MEDIC or ALLIED HEALTH SCIENCES (ALLHS). Maybe you’ll say that this is very tiny and simple problems. But for me, this is very big problem. I always cry when thinking about this.
MEDIC VS ALLHS
When I go to my grandmother house, she always says that
“Tu dia, cucu tok, DR NAJWA dah mai..”
“Nanti, bolehlah najwa ubat tok, kalau tok sakit.”
And I only can smile although my heart is crying.
I’ll always say in my heart, “Mintak maaf tok, najwa bukannya budak medic tapi allhs.”
And I’ll cry again. ALONE….
When I went to hospital, I’ll always imagine myself as a doctor. How great the feeling to see other patient waiting to get advice and to do checking with us. Great feeling to help others. Great feeling to see the patient getting well. As a muslim, it’s great to advice others to be thankful to Allah for the sickness and wellness that He gave.
When thinking about all this, I’ll choose to change to medic. I leave MEDCY because want to change to MEDIC although I love MEDCY very much. But I have to sacrifice.
Then when other people know that I want to change to medic, they said that,
“Doktor ni kerja susah. Asyik tak der dekat rumah jer.”
“Doktor perempuan ni, susah dapat jodoh. Kalau dah kawin pun, nanti suami dengan anak-anak terabai.”
“Doktor ni tak der life.”
And I’m crying again inside my heart. ALONE. AGAIN.
It’ll be a few more months before going to main campus. But I don’t have the decision yet. When people ask me,
“Najwa bukan nak tukar medic ke?”
“Najwa dah dapat tukar medic?”
“Dekat main camp nanti najwa nak ambik apa?”
I just can smile and walk to my room and wipes my tears.
When my umi and abah went to Haji last week, I’ll ask my umi, “Umi, tolong doakan kakak dapat yang terbaik dalam hidup ni. Tolong doakan semoga Allah bagi petunjuk pada kakak. Kakak rasa dah tak kuat lagi.”
And the tears came out again.
Ampunkan hamba Mu ini Ya Allah
Mungkin dosaku terlalu banyak
Hingga kau hijabkan aku Ya Allah.
Aku mohon Ya Allah,
Berilah petunjuk kepadaku Ya Allah..
Berilah kesabaran kepadaku Ya Allah,
Berilah kekuatan kepadaku Ya Allah.
Berikanlah yang terbaik buat diriku.
Jadikanlah aku hambaMu yang sentiasa redha dengan segalanya.
Sorry to my adik beradik. I love all of you very much. That’s why I don’t want to burden all of you with my probs. InsyaAllah, as long as I can keep it alone, I’ll.
(PLEASE STOP CRYING NAJWA).